Contemplating on a Contemplative Life

After a short blimp the past months, I am back to my discernment. I hope I can focus now, now that I have learned so much about human nature. But then, I always revert to the virtues, be it Catholic or Buddhist, that guide me in my decisions in life and relationships with others. I learned that in the excess of empathy I stubbornly and stupidly put my life (and my face) in danger in an effort of trying to save a life. Why do I always sacrifice my own desires for the happiness of others?

When I was in high school, I imagined myself as a religious nun. The thought of entering a life of service has not left me. That thought turned into desire; and the desire has grown stronger. And so did the calling which has become even more persistent. Years ago, I was already preparing to join the Claretians but I was told that I was young and simply heartbroken. The convent is not a place to escape pain and heartache.

I was then invited by 4 groups, including from Sr. Mary John who said to me, “Sr. B used to work in media too. Now she’s here, she decided to join us.” Also Sr. Cres, when I was in St. Joseph for the Save Sierra Madre Campaign, also almost had me convinced to join them.

I haven’t decided yet which group to join. I have yet to convince myself that I have learned enough from this worldly life. But that is impossible because there is so much to learn!

This (unofficial) discernment period has been going on for quite a long time now, and the requirement methinks is at least one year. I thought I had a better plan: learn as much about the world and in between I can do my discernment. It’s not as good a plan as I thought it was because there were also other kinds of invitations as well.

I can’t tell what the future holds. But no matter what vocation I choose, I will continue to be an activist and to serve others and not be reined in contrived, blindly and half-heartedly by a group, a belief, or a relationship. And like Ayn Rand she wrote: I guard my treasures: my thought, my will, my freedom. And the greatest of these is freedom.’

*Ora et Labora*